Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, so chaos once more reigns supreme.
Not sure if this may be the last blog post I write, perhaps only for a while, I hope not, but at this moment I can make no sense of life. Am I using mindfulness during this? Of course I am. But the way I express it, to everyone who takes the time to read my posts, is in sincerity and honesty – how I feel at the time of writing. It’s easy to write about mindfulness from a position of a perfect life, or one less troubled, but when life, your seeming intuition, situations, seem to create perfect storms around you – repeatedly – it becomes far more difficult.
It’s times like this I am grateful to have it. I can see how when it’s practised, in particular, in relationships, in an accepting and open manner – that it has potential to heal and help the most difficult of situations. The poisonous nature of judgment can never, ever accurately reflect the struggles people are going through.
I have judged others, I have been judged. It has poisoned many relationships of many kinds. If you care for your happiness, and that of others around, to avoid judgment is an absolute fundamental of ANY lasting relationship in life. I have learned this, repeatedly, the hard way. But people can ONLY act from their present levels of awareness. The more I witness the actions of others, and indeed consider pragmatically & philosophically my own past, I only become more utterly convinced of this.
I really cannot stress this enough, from seeing others who’ve “wronged” me, and those I have “wronged” – it is a rotten lesson to learn, but learn it we must if we are to address the chaos in our world, the lack of compassion, lack of understanding that we are not perfect humans, and back down from living ensconced in our ego-driven self. It is such a destructive force.
The road to dissolving it is tough and bumpy, if you choose the path, make sure you have others around humble and understanding enough to join you on your journey or it’s going to chafe. (In a way that would make lying in an itchy blanket, wearing an itchy jumper, feel like Egyptian cotton or silk)
Speaking of this often feels like p*ss*ng in the wind. When you try to discuss with others not ready, it creates huge problems, such levels of fierce resistance that could bring the Walls of Jericho crashing down. For those ready, it comes easy, not the practice, but the acceptance that it’s needed – for those not, it’s like trying to hammer a nail into a wall with a jellyfish – it’s utterly ineffectual, messy, brutal, and you will only succeed in stinging yourself.
There seems NO middle ground. It’s painful. It is destructive. Or it’s incredible and can create near-miraculous change.
I have dedicated a lot of myself and my life to trying to help others, in large parts, to great success – those willing to listen and engage. Of course, I can at any given time only share what I know. Part of the joy of learning, is teaching, I am FAR from perfect, but I have plenty of examples thus of things I have totally cocked up, and how I view them from these new perspectives. There are some who think, that because I cock things up, it somehow makes the teaching invalid. This is utter nonsense. I am not making up new forms of thought, new methodologies (although I do create blends for people based on what they’re going through) – I am teaching things that have helped me navigate years of self-torture, anxiety, failures, and distress… and stupidity. At times, absolute rank stupidity. It is sharing something with the world, which I take great time and effort to learn in detail, to help others who may be going through, or gone through, similar experiences – or just for those whom the information simply resonates with.
There has been this endless self-battle, that I must somehow be perfect to be a teacher/coach, this is a HUGE factor in my own self-confidence issues – if you have something to share, wisdom, knowledge that you have learned NEVER let this discourage you from sharing it… it’s total bullshit. If you cannot play the piano, or if every time you touch a key it broke, it doesn’t mean you cannot teach people what the notes are, how to form chords, the cycle of fifths, harmonic relationships – you can do that without needing to touch a single key. We only all improve by being open, and sharing information – it is not comfortable for me to share these things about myself, why would it be? It’s me, putting myself out there saying “Hey, I am anything but perfect”. In fact, at times I am an unholy mess.
One thing I do have, though, and I hold to, is a drive and desire to improve – to become a better person. I came from a pretty messed up starting point, so there was much to do, including many years of “Nah, I’m fine!”, and arrogantly rejecting meditation etc as a daily practice (what an effing fool!). Whatever it is I am doing or involved in, I always seek ways that may make it better, more peaceful, more joyful, and then I share it. It’s my passion, it is unrelenting, it is not for everyone and for those it is not, it can I am sure, be infuriating.
I just don’t feel as, humanity in general, we have any more time to piss about jockeying for egoic driven position.
This is an issue now that leaches into all areas of society, every relationship, every friendship and business, cultures, religions, countries, it is utterly and totally out of control – and this attitude, this complete lack of recognising we’re basically all a bit screwed up right now, and it’s not OK to talk about it because as soon as someone does something that’s deemed by someone as unacceptable, the ego is in full control and it’s over. Forget it.
The fact is, people rarely do something TO someone else purposefully. There is some deep inner torture or issues bubbling away, some kind of ego identification, some strange life path, perhaps something instinctive that makes no sense, a bigger picture – who KNOWS?
On the whole, people are very good at sharing those quotes about non-judgment/ego etc, but how often do you live that way?
I can guarantee you this, if everyone lived that way, the world and our relationships & our lives would be more harmonious, forgiving, understanding, and stable.
And yes, I include myself in that.
Be kind to each other, don’t be so quick to judge, understand sometimes crap happens, try to forgive your friends/family for their mistakes – it’s ironic, once you remove pressure, the person can feel under less pressure to succeed or perform and can actually AVOID making things worse, don’t hold grudges, (ego 101), try and take a step back and view a wider view – sometimes you can find harmonious solutions unexpectedly – and most of all, practice mindfulness and presence. Your life may right now reflect difficulties from your past attitudes etc, but the only thing you can do, is to try and be dedicated to your improvement, and honestly, the best way I find to do this is DEFINITELY mindfulness and presence.
I wish you all peace, fulfilment, joy and blessings in your life – just, try and avoid making the cock-ups I have, OK?